yet another new blog …

Join me here, friends, as I chronicle my journey as a single mom for the first time:

http://womanlaughing.blogspot.com

xxoo

Juliana

my guest post at in the hush of the moon

please visit my guest post at lovely emily’s blog, in the hush of the moon.

i want to thank you, too, for your wonderful support as i have been journeying along life’s path.  we are treating luna with natural treatment, and we have moved into a lovely home out at lake monroe.  we did not buy the house in bloomfield, which is for the best.  as much as we love the home, it wasn’t meant to be.  we have also realized that we want to be in bloomington, for this is where our hearts are at.  i was so happy when we moved back that i knew and jeremy knew that we need to be here.  we are slowly finding balance again, and we are slowly laying roots, which is so lovely.  i am grateful, very grateful.

i have exciting news.  in a couple of days, i will be launching my new blog site.  at this new site, i envision inspiration and lightness and happiness and many photos and stories.  i will be there every day, talking to you.  so please pass on the word and share on any social networks.  i’ll be looking for you there.

until then, here is a photograph of me looking tired and haggard but happy.  this is me these days.

much love to all of you.

some surprises along the way …

hello, friends.  i’m sure you all know about life being unexpected and bringing you surprises that make you say, “huh?”  that’s how it’s been for us.  here are a few reasons why.

• we moved to our lakehouse in lake lemon, a beautiful area.  it was to be our rental for several months until we looked into buying a home in the spring.  i didn’t feel right there though.  perhaps because it was a guest rental with furniture set up and it just didn’t feel like home.  not in the least.  plus, our phones had absolutely no service out there, and there was no house phone, no internet either.  this can be fine, of course, but lately, i want to be connected to the world via phone and internet.  i couldn’t envision myself there for several months.  we decided to leave the morning after we arrived.
• we moved back into jeremy’s mom’s house and stumbled onto a potentially beautiful house for sale in her neighborhood.  just $26,000.  this lead us to another home i absolutely absolutely fell in love.  $44,000, asking price.  with the help of marilyn, jeremy’s mom, and his uncle, who has a real estate license, we began looking into options and are in the midst of making an offer.  we are very excited.  but …
• at luna’s check up yesterday, we found out luna has lead in her blood.  she is at 4.9, and at 5 doctors begin monitoring once a month.  we have to return in a month to see where it’s at.  i was very upset.  jeremy was wonderful at helping calm my frayed nerves regarding luna.  we went to the grocery store and stocked up on foods that are supposed to help flush it out of her system.  we made a call to an excellent homeopathic doctor in the area.  and … all of this led us to inspect jeremy’s mom’s home with a small lead testing kit we bought at menard’s.  what we found so far isn’t good and this is why …
• we found out that the walls in the basement have painting with lead.  not good.  a large, large shelf that covers the wall in one room where luna has slept and played and where we stored our things also has lead paint.  so not good.  it is also chipping paint.  this morning a lovely volunteer is coming to inspect both this home (built in 1908) and the home we’re looking into buying (built in 1918).  we are hoping it goes well, though renovations dealing with lead can be incredibly expensive (up towards $20,000 and more).  the offer we’ll make on this new home will be determined by the lead factor.  so …
• luna and i left marilyn’s home yesterday and we are now staying with jeremy’s brother, sister-in-law, and niece.  they have been very kind to take us in at the last minute.  it is strange, being shuffled from home-to-home lately, and i’m realizing just how much i want a home of my own, for my family.  and …
• jeremy’s at his mom’s house painting all the walls in the basement.  he’s been amazing through all of this, and so so determined to take care of this matter.  his mother has also been incredibly supportive and has helped us research.  we will also be getting the water tested for lead, as basement pipes built back in the earlier 1900s could have lead.  this has been …
• overwhelming.  but this morning i’m looking at it all with perspective.  or trying to.  we discovered all of this — the elevated levels of lead in luna’s blood — at the right time, because we can do something about it, take steps to ensure that it lowers.  i’m very grateful it didn’t reach 10, which is when they need to be treated.  to top all of this, i also found out that …
• the college class i took in the late summer, a 100-level, introductory art history course, will not count towards my MFA, which means that i’m still 2 credits shy of graduating.  this was a setback i was not anticipating and so am wondering what i should do now.  the department no longer covers tuition so i would have to pay for independent study of two credits or a graduate-level course of three credits in the spring.  $2000+.  this is a lot of money for us at the time, and though jeremy supports me in this, i’m beginning to wonder why the universe keeps sending me on these detour journeys.  any ideas?  my thesis advisor, alyce miller, has been absolutely lovely in all of this, and so very supportive.  i know that without her i would not be completing my degree, as i wouldn’t have any other fiction instructors to ask to be on my committee (the other two fiction advisors dropped out of my committee because of a departmental disagreement involving my gentler method of grading).

so, it’s been quite the week, and i’m sitting here now, at someone else’s home, feeling surprisingly okay about it because i suppose i know this is all leading me somewhere.  where, i’m not sure yet, and that’s okay.  but until i discover where, i’ll be looking around with a curious expression on my face, much like alice in wonderland.  this world is so, so surprising.  dealing with change is such a special thing, isn’t it?  we can fight it, or we can embrace it and learn to … go with it.  and i guess that’s where i’m at.  i’m going with it.  i’m letting this experience lead me instead of trying to lead it.

*the photo above was taken by jeremy on his new vibrant phone.  we (jeremy, luna, marilyn, and i) are at a coffee shop in linton, indiana.  for those of you who don’t know linton or indiana, linton is a small, small town about an hour and a half away from bloomington.  this coffee shop is a gem tucked in the middle of a town that is just beginning to come alive.  it’s precious, in a way, seeing this coffee shop there for this reason — because of its unexpected brightness, its vitality, its energy.  it speaks of promise for the rest of the town.  we are currently living in bloomfield, which is about a fifteen or twenty minute drive away from linton.

*jeremy took the photo below of luna and i love her big smile in this, the mess of food.  i’ve learned, in all of this, just how important family is, and how i’d gladly trade the opportunity to buy a home for a rental in a second, anything so my little girl is safe.

much love to you, my friends.  i will be stopping by your blogs soon.

my honey’s photographs of me

my honey took some photographs of me yesterday, and i have to say, some of them i love.  they make me feel beautiful, and to know that my hone captured these images of me makes me feel even more beautiful.  i needed this, i think, because i forget — like so many moms — that i am still a woman, and i am still a beautiful woman.  yes, i’ll say that aloud just because i never do.  and you know what?  it feels good to do so.

if you’ve never had your partner or friend or child or parent take photographs of you, try it.  you’ll feel vulnerable as heck, and maybe shy and embarrassed, but once you really let go and relax, you’ll enjoy it.  i’ve always struggled with this, but i was able to let go of that some, especially once i changed from my dress to my jeans.

we took new photographs because i’m starting up a new blog site with my own domain (phew! intimidating stuff, i’ll tell you), and i want a new photo to go up near the top (though it won’t be part of the banner … at least i don’t think so).  it would help if you could give me your honest opinion and tell me which photograph you prefer.  i should tell you too, that i’m thinking the title of the new blog will be, this serendipitous life.  i’m not sure whether any of these photos will work with the blog title (we’ll probably take more photos), but even if none of them seem right, i’d like to share them with you because i’m so proud of my honey and of me.

i’m thinking we’ll be doing this more often, because it is so very interesting and fun.  i’ll be taking more photographs in general because, well, i like photographs.  this will be a prominent feature on my new blog.  this, and i’m thinking of writing a short story with a new page or a new chapter every week.  i’d like to know what you all think about it.  maybe with accompanying real-life pictures.  what do you all think?

i’ve got ideas and i want to share them with you … i hope you don’t mind!

much love and beauty on this gorgeous fall (spring) day!

elements of self: the self as art

When you see yourself, what do you see?  Where do you see yourself?  What do you see yourself surrounded by?  These questions did not necessarily occur to me as I drew this, but I believe they were lingering there as I created this pastel drawing of me.

When I meditate, I often find myself in a forest setting on a mossy precipice, and though I did not envision this as I drew, I look at this pastel drawing and realize this is what I see.  How ironic and profound and beautiful, that I see myself this way so much that it surfaces without me even realizing it.  I asked my hand to create.  And create it did.  What begin as something else turned into this, and it was amazing, that sensation of hand creating and being led.  I think this is what it comes down to — we are being led, if only we allow ourselves to recognize that.  That is, we are never alone.  We may become lonely, but we are never alone.

I have been doing so much thinking lately, so much growing, so much getting accustomed to this body, this soul of mine.  It is strange, being so acutely aware of my soul.  It’s as though I see my soul staring out of me, whatever me is.  Me is beyond my body, beyond my mind, beyond this physical realm.  It exists somewhere else, and I think I captured that here, the grace, the fluidity, the leaning, the asking, the waiting, the thinking.  Some of this may not make sense, as I am trying to work through some of these thoughts.

This image came at me by surprise — or perhaps I really wasn’t surprised at all — on an evening when I felt close to an intuitive understanding of myself:  I am who I say I am.  And who I say I am is a being waiting to arise.  A being waiting for the world to reveal its stunning beauty and breathless truth to her.

Now, I hope you don’t mind if I ask you this: who do you say you are?

Other lovely ladies participating this week:

Marisa @ http://marjean-gettingbacktobasics.blogspot.com/

Claudia @ http://lilmuselily.com/2010/10/01/self-portrait-challenge/

Sam @ http://emergingintowholeness.com/2010/10/the-possibility-of-flight-elements-of-self/

Mel @ http://creativeclutter-mel.blogspot.com/2010/10/self-as-art.html

the importance of harnessing our own energy & self-portrait reminder

Lately, I have been vacillating between strange moments of quietness during which I am all too aware of my spirit and moments of disquietude during which I wonder about the future.  I tell myself to trust in fate, to trust in my path, which I believe will lead me in the right direction.  It has proven to do this thus far, though sometimes I do feel I am taking very long detours!  The detours are just as necessary though, since they show me those parts of me that need more work, more attention, more gentleness.  I take these words directly from Sanaya Roman’s books on spiritual transformation (I’ve read two and I love them) as well as her advice to embrace positivity, to embrace uplifting energy.

Which leads me to think how all too often I find people around me dwelling in negativity, often without even realizing it.  I have often felt uneasy around people who tend to do this, though I was never able to understand why until recently.  To dwell in negativity encourages negative energy, which blocks so many things from flowing, mainly our own spiritual understanding of ourselves and the world.  With every negative utterance, with every negative thought, with every negative bit of news, we are brought down a notch further.

But, if we were to spend half the time on positive energy that we do on negative energy, we would be … gosh, I can’t even imagine what we would be!  Angels in human form.  We would attract so many good things to us — miracles, transformations, wisdom, light, success, compassion.  And those who dwell in negativity — we must not be uneasy around them (as I have been all too often) but encouraging and steadfast.  We can shed light where others are inclined to obscure with shadows.

My most meaningful transformations arrived when I was at my most positive and spiritual.  This has especially been the case during the last year and a half.  Before that, I was quite depressed, to be honest (and it still comes now and then, drops in for a quick visit, the depression … more on this another time).  I have seen the love that surrounds me when I surround others with my love for them.  I have seen this happen in others’ lives too, and the secret, I think, is their ability to move through (like ghosts move through walls!) the negative energy in order to embrace positive energy.

When thinking about this, consider the many negative things you may have said, thought, or done today, including, but not limited to these areas:

~ Negative or judgmental thoughts about a stranger

~ Negative or critical thoughts about the news or some news information or politician

~ Negative or self-deprecating thought regarding you (your body, your mind, your personality)

~ Negative or judgmental thought about a family member, no matter how slight

~ Negative or critical thought about the world in general (politics, weather, culture, society, etc.)

These are just a few that I came up with now, and I can say, after *watching* myself for a few weeks, I pick up more and more on the times that I am negative, either silently or out loud, and do I squirm.  I am negative very rarely now that I am so much more aware of it, and it feels right, this choice to be less negative.  But, I am also much more sensitive to other people who are negative (and it’s popular these days, being negative), but I typically try to bring light to the situation by turning it around, though I cannot say I always succeed.

I tend to want to listen to spiritual or uplifting music instead of the news these days.  I tend to want to read spiritual or inspiring books as opposed to books that dwell on heavy human emotions these days.  I want light in my life, and I am no longer embarrassed to admit this (as I might have once been).

It’s been an interesting journey, and I’m curious to see where it takes me.  Alongside all this talk about positivity, I’ve been envisioning myself working in a space where the community of people are phenomenal, where I feel proud and inspired by my work, where I am happy.  I might be surprised by the position I end up with (we’ll see), but I have faith in it being right for me at this moment in my life.

Speaking of me and you and all this deeply self-seeking type of stuff (lol), tomorrow is the next in the self-portrait series!

Just to remind you …

Week Six:  September 29 – Drawing or painting self-portrait. Okay, if you’re not an artist, please don’t be scared.  I draw stick people, okay?  Have fun with this one.  Sit down somewhere and draw for us the way you see yourself.  Play with colors and shapes.

Oh my gosh, I look back on this and think, what was I thinking?  You will all understand why when I post mine up by tomorrow night.  But this is good, as it will be self-expression in a different medium from photography.  I’m so curious to see yours, especially the artists out there!

So, I must begin thinking about how I might do this, and what fun it will be!  I encourage you to have fun with this too … find a moment in your day during which you can spend some time alone with yourself and draw or paint or sketch what you see from your heart.

Much love.

coming full circle, and learning what home is

I’ve been away for a week and a half, and I can say that I am ready to be back.  I will also say that I have missed all of you and thought about you.  I always have much love for all my blogging friends.

Speaking of love.  Life has been coming at me with much love lately.  I am not speaking of other people per se, though my life has been full of loving people.  I am speaking more so of my own opening heart.  My own ability to look beyond my anger and hurt to a place of compassion in order to heal and move on.  My own ability to love all.  And, please don’t get me wrong.  Sometimes it takes a little more work.  Sometimes I have to take multiple steps back and remind myself to breathe.  Sometimes I just have to be alone so I can meditate and be with my higher being.

But, when I do this, when I trust, it happens — the compassion, the love, the understanding.  I look beyond myself and into the larger picture that is like a dream painting from afar.  May I say it is always a beautiful and tender painting?  Especially these autumn days with the golden leaves and cinnamon evening skies.

You know what I find special about this?  Feeling — for the first time in my life — that I am not a victim.  That I have the ability to choose not to be a victim.  I could just as easily choose to be hurt, choose to be angry.  But I have learned that to allow myself to be hurt and angry for an extended period holds me back in many ways.

Let me just say that I think it’s very necessary to experience negative emotions fully.  I do think, though, that in letting go of hurt and anger and other negative emotions eventually, in seeing the larger picture, whatever it may be, in understanding the other person or people involved, we heal.  We move on.  We grow spiritually.  We love.

This is a new, tender experience for me.  But, it has allowed me to connect with my mother in a way I was never able to before.  It has allowed me to learn the pleasure in doing things for others without expecting anything in return.  It has allowed me to love those who may dislike me or who may still feel hurt by me (I don’t feel afraid of their rejection;  I love them in spite of their rejection).

It has allowed me to see — for the first time — that what my heart really wants is a home.  And our home is to be in Bloomington, Indiana.  Yes, that’s right.  We are no longer going to travel the country in our RV.  Not anytime soon, anyway.  I made my way back to Bloomington about a week and a half ago when Jeremy’s grandpa died.  That night, Jeremy asked me what I thought about making our home in Bloomington.  He grew up in Bloomington, see, so I never thought this would happen (though I’d always told him I had grown to love Bloomington).  I agreed without much hesitation, which let me know that the RV cross-country thing was never really for us.

Since coming back to Bloomington, my heart feels — full with so many good things.  Since moving to Bloomington, I have grown so much, experienced so much.  I have learned to recognize my own spirit.  Others’ spirits.  I have given birth to lovely moon girl.  I have fallen in love with a kind man with carpenter’s hands.  I have gone from preferring summers to preferring the fall season with its gentle winds.  I have learned to see beauty in winter.  I have learned about community and lifelong friendships.

The settling in will take a little while, though.  We must wait at least six months to buy a home, and during this time we are going to get life in order.  Which means, I am going to find a marvelous job.  We are going to repair our credit (yes, it needs some repairing).  We are going to save money.  We are going to work diligently in order to plant our roots in the Spring.  I should say, I feel determined in a way I never have before … to have a home of our own, and to work hard for it.

I understand some of you may be disappointed.  I can only say that I have reached a special realization in my life.  I have never had a home.  I have never felt rooted.  I have always felt displaced.  And so this decision is monumental for me.  To me, it symbolizes the way in which I’m learning to love, to be gentle, to accept, to be a part of, to grow like a sturdy tree.  It symbolizes my spiritual growth, my letting go of fear and so many other things.  I could keep running forever.  And I have been running for most of my life.  But the time has come for me to slow down and savor life in all its richness and goodness.  The time has come for me to just live.  To be.  To find balance.

So, our journey has come full circle.  We had to taste other realities in order to get to where we are.  But we know now what we really want, and to know is a marvelous thing.  I’ve never had this feeling of contentment, of being home.  I am savoring it, all of it.

* I will be hosting this next self-portrait series, for those of you who are interested or curious.  It will be this upcoming Tuesday (how time flies!).

Much love and peace.

elements of self: least fav

Lovely Sam at Emerging From Wholeness has graciously offered to host elements of self this week, so please hop over to her blog here to contribute and post:

http://emergingintowholeness.com/2010/09/elements-of-self-least-favourite-body-part

I look forward to seeing your portraits!

Much love,

Juliana

a temporary sojourn to family and self

I feel the need to tell my readers that I have stepped aside from Spiral Sisters.  It is a beautiful and brave blog, but it is not a part of my journey.

We must all make these decisions now and then, these difficult decisions that come from the heart and soul, in order to move forward in our own spiritual journey.  I apologize to Mon that I have made this decision after the launching of the blog, and I extend to her my love and support in moving forward with it, and in discovering the light and beauty in women and sisterhood.

I am not a leader yet.  Perhaps I never will be.  I have much learning still, much awakening.  I have so many beautiful things to learn to see.  I am more comfortable writing from the margins, in a way that embraces gentleness and compassion.  I am no longer — and I am not sure that I ever was — interested in amassing followers.  To talk, to have a space to retreat to when we need inspiration, to love — that is all I want here.

So, I will share with you my learning, my discoveries, my intuitions as I move along my path.  I will always be here, should you choose to come by to chat or look around.  Lately, I am interested in chakras, dreams, spirituality, and the art of being, among many other things.  I hope this will become a comfortable space for everyone to discuss these various topics.

But, for now, I am taking a week off.  To think.  To write.  To watch silly movies.  To go to the gym.  To spend time with my lovely daughter.  To be.

I look forward to seeing you in a week’s time.

Much love and light.

Juliana

*If any of you would like to host self-portrait series this week, then please let me know and I will provide a link.  Otherwise, it is postponed for now.

a spiritual take on food and bodies

This last week, I have been teaching myself to be softer on my body.  I want to share some of my most recent realizations with you, that have to do with the relationship between body, food, and spirit.

~ more specifically, on learning to listen to the body

I’ve gone to the gym twice this week and left Luna at the childcare center (located in the gym).  The first time I went, I felt as though I was floating.  I was so ecstatic.  I realized this: My body needs to work out.  It was a significant realization, one that has helped me realize that I want to make a lifetime habit out of going to the gym.

I know some people might not agree with me, but I think the body craves physical work in the same way we crave food.  Physical work, after all, feeds the body — physical work provides it with strength, endurance, stamina, flexibility, resilience and so on.

Of course, the type of physical work needed varies from person to person, but if you find yourself feeling low, try going for a walk or going to the gym.  Lift some weights and do some cardiovascular training.  Your body will sigh afterwards with pleasure.  It will recognize the transformation from mere stagnation and passivity to movement and action. It will thank you for taking the time to give it what it needs.

Many of us — especially moms — don’t do this enough as we believe we don’t deserve to spend this time on ourselves.  We feel guilty if we spend time at the gym or doing yoga or stretching or going for a jog or meditating.  We feel as though there are other things that should be done.  Dishes.  Laundry.  Vacuuming.  Children.  Dinner.  The list is endless, if we allow it to be.  I certainly fall into this category at times.

But how many of us would feel more content — happier — if we were to take time out and allow our bodies to experience the pleasure of working out, of working on our bodies, giving them the love they deserve for sustaining life for us, for carrying us throughout our lifetime?

I think many of us would feel happier, stronger, lighter, empowered.  As I read in a book by Sanaya Roman (Spiritual Growth, I think it was) we are desiring stronger and leaner bodies as preparation for spiritual growth.  Along these lines, I believe our bodies intuit what they need in order to feel healthy and balanced, and this also provides room for spiritual growth.

For those of us who just don’t feel right with our bodies, there is a reason for that, one we can choose to acknowledge or ignore.  How many of us have ignored something, an intuitive something, only to realize later just how significant that something was?  I know I’ve done this, and I’ll think, I should have paid more attention to my intuition.

Ignoring our intuition will exacerbate the feeling that something is wrong.  But, acknowledging it and taking an active stance … that’s doing something about it.  That’s seeking to understand, to know, both the self and the body.

It will help get you going on your path, whatever it may be.

~ more specifically, on food

Our bodies are physical and sensory machines that thrive on health.  They also know what they need to thrive, something we often avoid admitting.  Because I neglected and abused my body when I was young, I must now compensate for that by embracing foods that I know nourish my body.

Many of you know I attempted a 7-day detox that meant only raw and steamed veggies.  Being the nursing mama that I am, the detox lasted for three days.  I am now being much gentler with my body and eating foods that seem to vitalize it, foods such as yogurt, flax seeds, almond butter, nuts, coconut oil, lots of raw spinach and other veggies, grassfed beef, pastured eggs, legumes.

I have been reading lately about how the American diet is an acidic diet.  An acidic diet really disrupts the pH of the blood, makes it so acidic that cancer and other diseases sneak in and take over.  An acidic diet also speeds up aging.  Acidic doesn’t refer to the foods acidity when eaten though.  It actually refers to the foods’ acidity when digested.  So, lemons for example, are not acidic on the body when digested.  They have an alkaline effect, which is precisely what we need.

Recognizing the need for this harmony between Alkaline (80%) and Acid (20%) has been so helpful.  It has helped me to see just how important vegetables and certain foods are in maintaining the body’s precious balance.  It has helped me realize that my body reacts to coffee and fried foods and ice cream and white flour and sugar because these are acid-forming foods.

My body is happy this way, eating this way.  It isn’t happy eating certain (mostly acid-forming) foods.  Now, this doesn’t mean I’ll eliminate these foods from my diet forever.  But, since giving up sugar and white flour products several weeks ago, I no longer crave them.  I no longer NEED my daily fix.  I feel as though I have freed my body from its addiction to sugar and gluten.  I feel as though my body is finally healing.

What I think it comes down to is this.  We must care for our bodies and for our health first.  We must feel we deserve to be healthy and live long lives.  We must also be willing to recognize what our bodies need.  As an alternative doctor put it to me a long time ago in reference to the foods our bodies need, “You wouldn’t put the wrong oil in your car, would you?”

Now, some of you may not agree with what I’m saying here.  There is, of course, the question of pleasure.  It’s a tricky one, one I haven’t quite articulated for myself yet.  But I know this: If I kept eating the way I was eating before, my body would have quickly deteriorated.  I could feel it.  What is pleasurable to me is helping my body thrive and discovering — and rediscovering — foods it loves.

What is unpleasurable is eating foods that make me feel guilty and ill, that make me feel addicted.  Many people, I suspect, would know exactly what I mean.  We sense – deep down — that what we are eating is not right.  But rather than acknowledging this and doing something about it, we take a passive position and push our intuition aside.

I am not suggesting that we deprive ourselves, because I do think this is the wrong way to think about it, a negative way to think about it.  We are not depriving ourselves of anything.

In fact, we are nurturing and healing ourselves, learning to seek what our bodies and spirits need in order to move along its life path.  To think this — that we are depriving ourselves — is to see ourselves as victims.  But we are not victims.  We are warriors, brave warriors who see.  It is empowering, this place where we acknowledge not only what our bodies need, but also our strength.  It takes strength (and self-love) to embrace a different way of eating than what most of society embraces.

So, as I continue to explore precisely what it is that makes my body and my spirit happy (because I think one’s happiness relies on the other’s happiness), I ask that you consider joining me, or at least consider some of these thoughts and share your experiences here.

Much love and light to you.